I’m not perfect.

I genuinely didn’t know this until the last year. That’s so embarrassing to say. But until last year, I thought I was just naturally better than everyone else. More disciplined, stronger. Better at stuff. I’m not. I’m so far from perfect.

What a relief.

I’m 30 years old and have 3 kids. 

My weight has fluctuated up and down for the last 6 years, in huge waves during and between pregnancies.

I have gone from 120’s to 180’s and back again. Many times over. Understandably. Pregnancy requires a certain change in size and weight in order to really function. At least in my body.

I’ve gained weight eating Oreos and FiveGuys burgers. Also eating soup and salad. I’ve lost weight eating 800 cals a day, and also mindfully feeding my body with delicious nutritious food.

I’ve done all the things, over the last few years. But this last year, was a whole new thing. And I didn’t get it at first. But now I know it was meant to be. Now I know why, and the lesson is becoming clear. Because I don’t believe that there is or ever will be an experience in my life that doesn’t teach me something. Every moment is an opportunity to learn.

So before I share this one with you, a little background on me.

I’ve had two miscarriages and an abortion in my time on this earth, some more traumatic than others. These experiences have made my pregnancies sacred and joyful times for me, and at times sad and mournful. Overall, I love pregnancy, birth, and everything that comes with. And I feel extremely blessed to have been able to have had each experience with it, even the ones that didn’t produce children.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I threw out all my “skinny clothes”. I knew for sure I would be fat forever after, and cleared out my closet of anything smaller than a 6 that wasn’t sleepwear.

I gained about 50 lbs in that pregnancy, and lost it all and more is less than 6 months postpartum. I did it in the worst way, and if you want to hear about that – I wrote a whole blog on it which you can read here.

The second time around, I worked out through my whole pregnancy. Ate really well and but also consumed the appropriate amount of chocolate. I kept my habits strong and square and maintained a level of fitness that made pregnancy, birth and postpartum a breeze.

The third time, my last pregnancy, with Bobby, I was experiencing chronic pain. It started about the end of the first trimester. It was so bad some days I couldn’t walk my kids to the park a block away. I had pelvic and lower back pain, despite having done everything right in my previous pp recovery. I could barely get in and out of the car some days. I would cry for hours trying to get to sleep, but for the pain. I tried exercising to improve it, I tried yoga, I tried everything. I could NOT make this pain go away. I got a support belt and just lived with it for the next 6 months.

Before this experience, I had never known pain. Not like that. That pain made me miserable. It made me depressed. It made me angry, and confused. It made me yell at my kids, and shame and blame my husband for things he had no control over.

I had never known pain before this. It was there when I woke up and there when I went to bed. Nothing helped. Most things just made it worse.

But that pain also taught me things I could never read in manuals, or learn from a mentor. As a trainer and coach, I never had much(okay, any) sympathy for clients who claimed they were in too much pain to workout. Or who said nothing helped. I never got it. Honestly, I never cared. Which I hate to say, because there were times where that mindset made me feel like now that I was in pain, no one would care about me.

I didn’t work out when I didn’t need to (I was still training clients) for almost a year. It was SO hard to get back into exercising. That habit was completely lost. Even when I tried, I had no motivation. Things I never realized before the last year:

  • It’s impossible to workout when you’re in that much pain.

  • It’s hard to get motivated when you’re out of shape.

  • Workouts are harder with extra weight on your body.

  • Habits are SO hard to form/break.

  • I’m not perfect.

  • I can still love myself even overweight.

  • I like watching tv & eating potato chips

  • I like exercising and kale better.

  • I am human.

And so many more.

I really never did appreciate what other women were going through. I never thought I would be overweight, I thought it was something I was incapable of. Like if my first pregnancy didn’t tip the scales, nothing would. I thought I was different, no – I thought I was better than other people.

I’m not. I’m the same. I’m JUST LIKE YOU. Unless you’re perfect, then I’m nothing like you.

Because I have a hard time resisting temptation these days. I have all the reasons in the world why I should watch TV instead of working out. I have a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and 3 pairs of stretchy pants that I wear so frequently they won’t make it ’til spring.

But I’m telling you, I wouldn’t trade this moment right now for anything in the world, because I have an amazing opportunity in front of me.

I can lose this weight. I can regain my habits. I can become Supermom again.

I can come back from this year, and I can share it with you. I can prove to myself that I’m more. I can tell you all about how awful and awesome every step is and maybe, just maybe, I can help you on your journey. That would be pretty cool right? For us to be in this together.

The worst part of the last year was feeling alone. Feeling the the only one. Feeling like I didn’t belong in the role of personal trainer because I didn’t act like one. The feeling of being so other, so different made me sad and lonely.

And then I shared, and all these women started to tell me their stories too. Like I’m not alone. I’m normal. I’m so painfully normal. I’m so beautifully accepted by these women who are normal and imperfect like me.

How lucky am I?

That feeling I got, knowing I wasn’t alone, that’s the feeling I want to bring to all women. Safety. That’s why I’m sharing my journey. Cause I did it alone for too long. Not only does it suck, it never works.

We are meant to be in this together. 

 

 

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